Centered
by Wldwmn
Summary: Sequel to "Off Balance", so you'll need to read that story first for this one to make sense. Rigsby tries to figure out what the future holds for he and VanPelt. Rigspelt, mentions of Jisbon. Spoilers for "Strawberries and Cream".


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from "The Mentalist".**

**Summary: Sequel to "Off Balance", so you'll need to read that story first for this one to make sense. Rigsby tries to figure out what the future holds for he and VanPelt. Rigspelt, mentions of Jisbon. Spoilers for "Strawberries and Cream". Rated T for language and adult references. **

**Centered**

This morning I woke up to sunlight in my eyes and Grace VanPelt in my arms. That alone made it seem like the best morning I've had in a long time. And the most confusing morning, too.

For a moment I just nuzzled her soft hair and forgot everything that has happened since she broke up with me. In my mind we were still together, back when things were… well, maybe not easier but often more straightforward. It was a nice feeling, and I let myself indulge in it for a few minutes.

Reality came surging back all too soon, however. The breakup, her starting up with O'Laughlin, his act of betrayal and death, Jane shooting Red John, all of the inescapable facts of the past year passed before my eyes. Reminding me that this morning wasn't going to be simple and cute. It was going to be difficult.

Last night Grace had come to my apartment looking for companionship and comfort. I was happy to provide both, although not in the way she originally requested. I'm still in love with her. I absolutely desired her. But I wouldn't take advantage of her, sobbing and pleading with me to blot out the sorrow with sex.

I know it would have made us both feel better. But I refused and even managed to stand my ground, so we cuddled but didn't take it any further. For a while after she fell asleep I wondered why I didn't jump at the chance to be with her again. I finally figured it out, though. It was because I didn't want it to be like that. I wanted Grace to be with me because she loved me and wanted me again. Not because she just needed something or someone to numb the pain.

I don't know exactly where we'll go from here. She knows how I feel about her, but this is the worst time to even consider trying to win her back, isn't it? She is in shock and in mourning and on the rebound and all of those other awful states where you should never try starting a new relationship. Or in our case, rekindling an old one. There's also something in play at my end that I didn't want to acknowledge at first. Fear.

We made it through the worst of the breakup fallout over time. Trying to be kind to each other helped a lot, I think. But in the back of my mind there's still her voice saying that she loved the job more than me. I never asked Grace to give up her position for me; I was going to transfer. Even in the face of giving nothing up, however, she still pushed me away. I don't know if I'm prepared to go through that again with her. In fact, I'm almost positive that I couldn't bear it.

It's that kind of thinking that makes me untangle myself from her still-sleeping form and leave the bedroom. That's the fear that's sneaking in after a warm and comforting night with Grace back in my bed and my embrace.

I go out to my kitchen to make some coffee. I've done this so many times that it's mostly autopilot, so I continue to think as I scoop and pour and switch the machine on. That's when the most outrageous thought pops into my head: I want to see Jane. I want to talk to him about this.

Where the hell did that come from? I've only visited him once since the time I drove Lisbon to see him. I'm still slightly floored by the scene between them that day. The intensity of emotion between them made my jaw drop. I had fled the room to give them privacy.

The time afterwards it was just he and I. We talked very lightly, not about any cases or about Red John or even Lisbon, and played a few rounds of cards. I of course lost every hand; thank goodness I wasn't playing for money. I wasn't playing too seriously, though. It was just something to keep my hands busy.

Jane is so nosy. He can't help but give advice, even when it's not wanted. I guess that's why he popped into my head when I realized I wanted to talk to someone about this. I could ask him for help, even if he teased me during the process. I'm a big boy. I can take it.

The coffee is just about finished when I hear Grace moving around in the bedroom. She pads out to the kitchen in my t-shirt and shorts, and gives me that familiar smile. She comes over, gives me a peck on the cheek and says, "Good morning, honey. Is the coffee ready?"

_It's over a year ago. The scene is exactly the same, morning, hot coffee, and sweet sleepy Grace. The kiss on my cheek, the words she uses, it's all the same. It's like time travel and déjà vu and memory all together. I'm completely familiar with this. Why is it so uncomfortable?_

"Good morning, Grace," I say, pulling away slightly. "The coffee should be done in about a minute. I'm going to take a quick shower and then I'll be back out. Okay?"

I think she can sense my discomfort, and her smile wavers. But all she says is "Okay," before going into the cupboard for a coffee mug.

###

I come out of the shower toweling my hair dry. Grace has her coffee and is sitting on one end of the couch, her feet tucked up underneath her. The television is off. She's just sitting and looking at nothing. Thinking, I guess. She looks up at me, and the smile is back. "Hi. The coffee is good," she says.

I laugh softly and go get myself a mug. I come back in and sit at the opposite end of the couch, sipping at the hot liquid. We sit in silence until I choose to break it and say "So, what are your plans for the day?" Crap, I still sound like a fool.

Grace gives me a puzzled look, but answers anyway. "Well, I was hoping you and I would be able to spend some time together. I think there are some things we should talk about. Things about you and me."

This is exactly where I did not want this morning's conversation to head. Not when I'm still not sure what it is I want. So I say "Well, I did have a couple of things I planned to do, but if you'd like to meet up again around dinner time that would be nice."

"Wayne, I want you back," she says suddenly. Just flat out, no preamble, and there it is. In my heart it's what I want to hear, but I can't deal with it just yet.

I inhale sharply. "Grace, you just had a very traumatic experience a couple weeks ago," I say. "You lost a fiancé in the worst possible way. I know you're unhappy and on the rebound, so I'm just going to let that statement go for right now."

"Don't let it go. I meant it. I'm not unhappy," she replies. "Well, I am, but that isn't why I said I wanted you back. I never stopped caring about you, and you said you were still in love with me. If that's how we feel, I want to get back together. I'm willing to try again to make it work."

I shift on the couch, turning more directly towards her. Then I sigh. I'm looking in her eyes and knowing that what I'm about to say next is going to hurt both of us. So why can't I stop myself? "Sweetheart, _you_ broke up with _me_. You said you loved me but you loved the job more. It was awful and it couldn't change the way I felt about you, but I respected your decision. But it means that now I don't know if I can trust you. I couldn't stand going through that again."

Grace is quiet for a moment. Then she says, "I know what I said hurt you; it hurt me to say it. I cried after. I thought at the time that it was the best choice, but I was wrong. I guess I'm asking you to forgive me and let me have another chance."

"I'd like to. I'm not going to lie and say my heart isn't leaping, even through my doubt. But I need to think about this. I need a little time. Can you give me that? Why don't we meet back here for dinner tonight, like I said?" I ask.

She doesn't seem happy with my answer, but she nods. "Okay, I understand. And yes, I do want to come back here for dinner. So I'll see you in a few hours," she says hurriedly, and gets up. She wanders back to the bedroom to get dressed, and I see her brushing at her cheeks. I wish she wasn't crying. I wish I hadn't said something that made her feel worse.

###

After Grace leaves and I get dressed, I drive to the holding center to see Jane. The guards recognize me now, so there isn't the same kind of insanity like the first time I tried to visit. I can just show my ID and not argue.

I have to wait longer than last time, and I've actually started counting the cracks in the ceiling by the time they bring Jane in. He looks tired, but he still smiles when he sees that it's me. "Hey Rigsby, good to see you. Ready to lose a few more hands of poker?" he says, sitting down across from me.

"Just came to chat this time, Jane. That okay?" I ask, chuckling.

The smile widens. "Absolutely, always glad to talk to a friend. What's on your mind?"

I take a deep breath, and begin with, "Well, last night VanPelt came to my apartment-" but I don't even get to finish the sentence before he's cutting in.

"So she crawled out of her mother's bed and back into yours? Understandable in the circumstances," he says, and I see his eyes scanning my face. I don't know exactly how he does it, but I know he's reading the tells as if I was a suspect. "And you consoled her but didn't have sex with her. Good for you, very noble. So you want to get back together. What's the problem?" he asks.

"Everything!" I snap. "Grace dumped me, she was going to marry another man, and then she had to shoot said other man in defense of her own life. Now she says she wants to give us another try only a couple of weeks later! I admit I'm still in love with her, Jane, but the timing of this seems terrible. What if we could make it but we ruin it by going too fast?"

"Then take it slow. But still _take it_, Rigsby. Don't pass this opportunity up if it's what you really want." Jane replies, and there's not even a hint of irony in his voice.

I sigh. "I don't even know if it is what I really want. Even when I admitted to Grace that I was still in love with her I said I wasn't trying to win her back. I just wanted her to be happy."

Jane actually rolls his eyes. "Look, people may claim to admire martyrs, but most of us wouldn't want to be friends with one. Or marry one, for that matter."

I'm confused. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that as an adult, you need to recognize that sacrificing yourself for others has to have a limit somewhere. Your own happiness has to matter," he says.

I nod. "Point taken. I'm also not sure if I'm ready to take the risk of being with her again. The breakup really sucked, Jane. It hurt like hell."

"I'm sure it did," he replies. He exhales softly, and leans back in his chair. Then he says, "Okay, I know I'm not the best example for the following piece of advice, but I'm going to offer it to you anyway. It's just seven words, Rigsby, but I'm asking you to really think about them: Accept happiness the moment it is offered."

"Accept happiness the moment it is offered?" I repeat.

"Yes. As I said, I'm not the best candidate for giving this advice." He pauses, and looks almost self-conscious. "You witnessed part of the exchange between Lisbon and I the other day. I'm not going into details, but I can say that I had the chance at happiness again with her. I picked revenge instead. I'm not saying whether I do or don't regret it. But I'm looking at everything in hindsight now, and I really wish I'd grabbed that chance. Who knows if it will still exist by the time all of this… business is over?" The smile has long since vanished.

I have the sudden need to reassure him. "The boss is obviously wrapped up in you, Jane. I can't imagine her changing her mind after what I saw."

"I hope you're right, but she may already have changed her mind. We haven't spoken much lately," he says, frowning. "But that's enough about me. The point is, you love Grace VanPelt. She obviously still has feelings for you. Give it another try. Take the chance."

"And what if it ends badly?" I say, unable to keep the anxiety out of my voice.

"That is another secret I can let you in on, Rigsby. It always ends badly. Even if you two get married and ride off into the sunset and have beautiful healthy babies who all live to grow up and are happy and successful. Because one day, one of you will die before the other and the one left will be miserable. But that doesn't mean that your whole life together, all that time before the sorrow, wouldn't be worth it. Every _second_ would be worth it," he says, and now the smile is back.

"It makes sense," I say, feeling oddly relieved at his almost depressing statement.

"Of course it does. Happiness is being offered, Rigsby. It's time for you to accept it."

###

"Grace, I want you back," I say as soon as she crosses the threshold of my apartment that evening. No hesitation, just out in the open.

She looks a little stunned, but recovers quickly and smiles. "Really? You decided you're willing to try again?" she says, her voice so full of hope it makes my heart ache.

"I really am. I love you and I'll risk getting hurt so I can experience all the time we have together when it doesn't hurt," I answer. It sounds less wise and more corny coming from me rather than Jane, but the way she laughs and throws herself into my arms makes me not care a bit.

"Oh, I'm so happy, Wayne. You'll see, I'll be so good to you," she says, peppering my cheeks with kisses.

"I believe you," I say, and I realize I actually do. I really am ready to trust her again. The fear is gone. "One thing, though: I'd like to go slow for this time around. No immediate leaping back into bed or making outlandish future plans. Let's just take it easy to start."

"Okay, we'll go slow. Not casual though, right?" she asks, a shadow of worry crossing her face for an instant.

I put her fears to rest. "Not at all. I only want to be with you, Grace. I'm not trying to keep my options open."

"Oh good," she says, obviously relieved. "Because I don't want anyone else, either. There's only one issue I can see, and it's the same issue that plagued our relationship the first time around. What about work?"

I let the moment carry me away a little. "Work be damned. We'll deal with problems as they come. I'm sick of wasting my happy times worrying about the sad ones. I want to enjoy what I've got for a bit first," I say with a smile. Then I lean down and kiss her.

So here I am, standing in my living room with Grace in my arms kissing my breath away. I still don't know what the future will bring, yet that feeling of stability I recognized in bed last night is filling me up all the same. Now that I have Grace back in my life, I'm as centered as a spinning top.

**The End**

**A/N: So what do you think? I know it's a little sappy at times, but I wanted to bring these two back together in spite of their baggage. I hope it makes you as happy as it does me.**


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